


fascinate and magnetize

by worry



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Greek Mythology - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Purple Prose, Religious Imagery & Symbolism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 03:38:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4419698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam-who-isn't-Liam-not-<i>yet</i> eats the fruit, and realizes, too late, that he has been tricked by this t-emp-ti-ng, m-m-mangled being, and is banished.</p><p> </p><p>This is the first time that Spike-who-isn't-Spike-not-<i>yet</i> betrays him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fascinate and magnetize

In this lifetime, he has no wings, and so isn't a  _true_ Angel - if he only had purity, if he only had something to  _give,_ if he only had something something  _something_ besides Spike, besides all that is  _un_ holy and  _im_ pure and _merciful._ Spike, who is Death walking-sometimes-floating-sometimes-nothing-at-all. Spike, who they call  _Hades,_ who they call  _Astaroth,_ who they call Lucifer and that is _Angel's_ name and  _Angel's_ only and Angel can't figure out why they call Spike something that he is  _not_ \- that is his name his name  _his,_ who they call the apple and the serpent.

 

In this lifetime, he goes by Angel, because he has no other name and so isn't a  _true_ Angel, only a mockery, a sketch, something held back - the  _true_ Angel, the one who is called  _Lucifer,_ the one who is called _Beelzebub,_ the one who is called and called and called and the one who  _runs,_ does not exist and hasn't existed for six(teen?)(hundred?)(thousand?)(million?) lifetimes.

 

In this lifetime, he talks often to a being who they call   _per- **seh** -fə-nee, _who they call  _Kore,_ and Kore  _knows_ him. Kore says that she knows him from many of his past lives, where he is a  _hero_ and a being of  _grace_ and  _worthiness._ Angel does not believe her, not  _ever,_ and so isn't a true Angel. 

 

He watches, sometimes, as Kore mumbles and returns to her place in the Underworld. Silly, silly little Angel. You will find out the truth, someday. You will find out who  _really_ loves you.

 

Kore tells him this, and Angel doesn't listen, and so isn't a  _true_ Angel.

 

* * *

 

 

In Liam's very very ve _ry_ first lifetime he goes by Liam, because he does not have wings (yet) and he does not possess any other name, or any name at all.

 

In this lifetime, he is born from  _light_ and a rib- _cage_ and is crafted in-si-de the golden hands of God and the Gods, wrapped up in paper and bone and  _fle_ sh like a present for the earth, something to grow and be grown. In this lifetime he is ignorant, and smiles like light and fire. He does not know embarrassment, and is at peace.  


 

He is told by God and the Gods to not eat the fruit from the tree, and so doesn't - until he meets a being who is  _temp-t-a-tion_ and is m-m- _mangled_ and slithers and tells him that he will  _not_ die if he eats the fruit, and that his eyes will be opened, and  _isn't that what you want, hm? Knowledge? Power?_ _  
_

 

Liam-who-isn't-Liam-not- _yet_ eats the fruit, and realizes, too late, that he has been tricked by this t-emp-ti-ng, m-m-mangled being, and is banished. _  
_

 

This is the first time that Spike-who-isn't-Spike-not- _yet_ betrays him.  


 

* * *

 

 

Angel who  _is,_ thinks about what his back would feel like if he had wings again, wants to re _mem_ ber the feeling of soaring, wants to remem _ber_ what it felt like to be at peace like he was in the Garden before Spike-who-wasn't found him and  _ru-ined_ him and rui _ned_ the world, forever.

 

He can only come up with one feeling and that's when he is in Spike's arms: the  _soaring,_ the feeling of being at  _peace_ except oh  **no oh** oh  **no oh** no  **oh no** oh no ohno, Spike is  _gone,_ silly silly Angel-with-no-wings-and-so-isn't-a- _true-_ Angel, he is not coming back, and Angel must find a different feeling, and he loves Spike  _like_ temptation,  _like_ Death-Hades-Lucifer,  _like_ the world is crumbling for the last time and  _like_ this is his very very ve _ry_ last lifetime and all he has is Spike and he can learn to  _breathe_ and stop cutting into his back trying to find his wings they're there somewhere some _where_ he has wings and he will find them he  _will -_ "Come back to bed, Angel," and so: he breathes and cleans up the blood and  _stops._ _  
_

 

He loves Spike  _like_ the wings he's lost  _like_ something burning  _like_ the peace  _like_ his last lifetime, whenever it comes, and he will be ready to experience it and he will be  _re_ ady to die with Spike and to die in-s-i-de of Spike's  _arms like_ peace and to die curled up  _with_ Spike in-s-ide of Spike's mind ins-ide of Spike's death and he will be re _ady._ _  
_

 

"Is it time again, little Angel?" Kore asks him, in the deep-down of his mind. 

 

"Yeah," Angel replies. "I think so."

 

* * *

 

 

William lives many ma _ny_ lives. In this particular lifetime he is standing on the edge of a bridge surrounded by the  _cold_ surrounded by the  _night_ and he is about to

 

j

  u

    m

       p

and end it when he is t-t-torn UP and AWAY from  _from_ his demise, by a man in a gray sweater and the man says  _don't do it please don't people love you people care about you_ and William says:

 

No.

 

I want it to be the end.

 

No.

 

The man tells William that he is sorry and pu _nches_ William in the face until he blacks out blacks out blacks out and he dreams about Death is this Death is it

 

finally

 

over? See: at the age of eleven he lost his parents to a fire and the love of his life died se-p-ar-atel-y when he was thirteen and now he has: nothing left to live for, nothing left to consume or be consumed by, see.

 

He wakes up in a house _by_ a fireplace and the man in the sweater is there  _next to_ him.

 

_Good, you're awake. I'm sorry. I had to do it. I didn't want you to kill yourself,_ he says.  _I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let you die._  


 

 

He says that his name is Angel, and William asks:  _where are your wings? Where is your halo?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

AngelLiam lives many lives, as well, and in one lifetime he saves a jumper from jumping, but in another he watches wat-ches as the boy falls to his dea _th,_ and thinks about how he could have saved him could have shown him his po _tenti_ al could have: done something, been  _better._ No, the jumper dies and AngelLiam did  _not_ save him, and so will not get his wings for another six(teen?)(hundred?)(thousand?)(million?) lifetimes, the Gods decide.

 

Things that  _are:_

 

Angel and Spike and Liam and William always find each other, _always always,_ in every lifetime, in every death  _oh no_ it's not time yet, is it, Kore wonders in the depths, we have:

 

six seconds, we have:

six years, we have:

 

six decades,

 

until the next death  _okay_ we have time, Kore tells herself. Some things that  _are:_

 

AngelLiam and SpikeWilliam are  _soulmates,_ in the lifetimes where they have souls. 

 

Sometimes they have souls, sometimes they are m-m-mangled beings named  _war_ and  _famine_ and  _pestilence_ and finally, always Spike always  _always, Death._ It goes in and  _out,_ in and  _out,_ fluctuating - in this lifetime they are ensouled, in the next they are  _mon_ sters, in the one after that they are holy and Angel finally has his wings and then he:  _forgets them_ and becomes impurity again, turns into a  _mon_ ster again, right on schedule,  _okay._ _  
_

 

In the lifetimes where they do  _not_ have souls, it is something more primal, something  _deeper_ than a bond between souls.

* * *

 

 Angel's first _kiss_ is with a boy that he meets at a:

 

~~bar~~

~~protest~~

~~convention~~

~~party~~

~~place in Hell and this is not where Angel belongs he belongs in Heaven why wh-y is he here why is the Light deep down in the depths of hell why he is too p.u.r.e to be in Hell. Who is this boy, he is _purity,_ and Angel's very very ve _ry_ first kiss is with this boy who they call Astaroth and Angel kisses him and tries to find out the  _truth,_ tries to become a  _true_ Angel, and - _  
_~~

place behind an alleyway and Angel kisses him and trusts and the boy stabs him and hums  _this is what you get_ and the last thing that Angel sees before he. Fades. Away-with-no-wings-oh- _no_ is his face and white l _ight -_ hero. Champion. Warrior. He lives as a herochampionwarrior, and doyoueverthinkthere'ssomeoneouttherewatchingoveryou? Yes,  _yes,_ there is, and Angel: knows this, but -

 

Angel dies in an alleyway.

 

* * *

 

In this lifetime Spike meets Angel and writes poetry about him and never stops writing poetry about him, and. Their hands touch, briefly, on their way downtown, ac _ross_ the street from each other, a _way_ from each other and they: never see each other again, except for in dreams and dreaming, and.

 

_He was so (beautiful), like a:_

 

_storm c-a-r-v-i-n-g it's way through the SKY._

 

 _He was so (wonderful), and I fell,_ Spike writes, and puts down the pen instantly - oh  _no this_ will  _not_ do, it does not capture Angel's essence, Angel who  _is_ and who has no wings and so isn't a  _true_ Angel, but Spike-in-this-lifetime does not  _not_ know this, and he gets ink all over his fingers and tries again and he doesn't wash his hands for days because if he  _do_ es he will lose Angel, please don'tleave, notagain, please,  _I-will-jump-off-of-the-bridge-for-you._ _  
_

 

Spike, who isn't, does  _not_ want to  _die notreally notever_ but he: knows that all life ends, eventually, and Angel is  _not there to save him_ in this lifetime, he is off somewhere  _s_ p _r_ o _u_ t _i_ n _g_ w.i.n.g.s, and Spike jumps and Spike and Spike and Spike and Spike and Spike and Spike meets Angel and never stops writing poetry about him and Angel is  _beautiful_ like fire  _like_ a storm  _like_ something dead-dying in the middle of the street, something with no _hope,_ something that you cannot even hold  _pi_ ty for, it will be dead soon, anyways, oh  _no,_ please don't -

 

Angel dreams and dreams about Spike's death, and knows that it is too late. Angel feels nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

Angel lives these lives:

 

  * He runs and runs and runs and they call him a cri _min_ al but they don't  _understand him,_ do not understand that Angel will do _anything_ for his wings and this includes killing and running and Angel runs and runs and. Runs. Takes the wings from a statue and tries to weld them onto his back, and falls like Icarus. Kore laughs.
  * He worksa _job_ at a restaurant and Spike meets him at the bar and slips Angel a phone number and Angel is murdered before he can ever call Spike, what a _shame,_ oh no - Kore laughs.
  * He is born into wealth and money and gold and he is born out-of-the-light, his parents call him their  _miracle_ and they dis-o-w-n him when he meets Spike and Angel jumps off of the bridge - this happens too often to be considered a co--incidence, Kore decides, and does not laugh.
  * He runs again, this time  _from_ himself.
  * He runs again, runs again, right o-f-f the ed-ge of the bridge - oh no, this does not happen in this lifetime  _oops,_ he runs again into Spike's arms and Spike does not run and Spike  _is_ and they're  _happy._



 

Spike lives these lives:

 

  * He is a poet that has been re _ject_ ed too many times and he meets a girl who changes him and who  _is_ and he meets a man who changes him and who _is_ and the man's name is:



Angelus and he's  _beautiful_ like a storm c--a--r--v--i--n--g it's way through the sky to destroy, and Angelus has no wings and does not  _want_ wings.

 

He gets them anyways.

 

  * He works in a coffee- _house_ and someone named Angel comes in every day and orders the same thing and Spike dies over and over and over again because Angel is beautiful like the sky and - _  
_
  * He fights evil and he should have stayed dead but whatever-fate-is-called-nowadays-the-Moirai thr _ows_ him back to Angel and Angel and Angel and Spike does. not. want to be here, but is anyways.



 

* * *

 

 A very very very very long l-------ong time ago, there was a God. He was a very very ve _ry_ powerful God, dripping in gold - exce _pt._ Except except. This God was a lonely God. Had no one to l-------ove. Bitter and angry, this God mocked Love because Love liked to use a bow and arrow to hurt people - love is hurting, love is death, and death is all that this God knows, truly, dripping in  _gold,_ dripping dri.p.pi.ng in pits of sorrow -

 

Love smiled, and took two arrows. He shot this lonely God in the heart with one, and embedded the other into the body of a lowly human.

 

(This God had wings, and used them to fight-and-destroy.)

 

He fell in love instantly, and  _fell._

 

* * *

 

 

In this lifetime, Angel dtagann ón droichead.

 

* * *

 

Angel dies his final-final-for-real-this-time-always- _yes_ death in-s-ide of Spike's arms, his hands on Spike's hands, his wrists in Spike's hands, his mouth against Spike's neck, his head in Spike's neck, his death against Spike's death, oh  _no -_

 

Kore laughs. Ouro _boros._

 

The snake finally devours itself after six(teen?)(hundred?)(thousand?)(million?) years.

 

The wings on his back are not heavy, and so he is a true Angel.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> "Maybe you're the one who will complete me
> 
> Oh how beauty burns, lips and eyes and fingertips  
> The spark of desire on every point our bodies meet  
> Behind your eyes were stars, infinite and serene  
> How I would suffer for you, you fascinate and magnetize me" - Halo / Bloc Party


End file.
